Faith, Beer, and Other Things That Interest Geoff

Secret Life of Your Teen

An alternative title is "It's Tough Being a Parent Today."

I don't want to quote the article regarding a certain Bill Clinton-related activity. But it's prevalent. So much so, it's pretty crazy.

But the article gets to the heart of the problem:

Now, if you have been paying attention to the world for the past three or four decades, you'll note a couple of ironies here, starting with the fact that this generation of parents caused its own parental units -- a pause here, please, in loving memory of the Coneheads -- more than a fair share of headaches. More to the point, this was the generation that was so earnest about parenting its kids. (Indeed, they were the first to figure out "parent" could be used as a verb.) They waited until they were "financially ready" to conceive, pumped pre-birth Mozart into their wombs, and never let their new arrivals touch toys that weren't educational. More than anything, they made sure that the lines of communication were always open, so that their children would make "healthy choices."

But lately, at least one Main Line mother wonders if that was always the best thing. "In a lot of ways, I think we've caused the problem," she says. "We've given these kids so much."

As it turns out, the generation that took the parenting plunge a couple of decades back really did have a fundamentally different approach to child-rearing from its parents. Partly out of necessity (two-career couples, increasingly hectic schedules) and partly by design (the notion that everything in a kid's life should be enriching), boomer parents more or less flip-flopped the way childhood had always been done. To oversimplify a bit: Things that were once left free and up to the kids -- play, sports, spare time -- became tightly structured and highly supervised, while adult things that previously involved at least some semblance of parental or cultural rules -- dress, sex, spending money -- became far looser. Mommy and Daddy honor your desire to dress like a $20 hooker, dear; just don't let it interfere with your Italian lessons or SAT prep course -- you only get one shot at fourth grade.

Now, this is only going to get harder for parents. "All my friends dress like hookers dad!" You may be consigning your child to social outcast status if you are sane. But that's no substitute for doing the right thing.

The article notes that girls are rarely on the receiving end of the Bill Clinton-related act. So Philadelphia Magazine has some feminist concerns. If so, they should realize that the rampant sexualization unleashed by previous generations will turn women into mere objects. Slavery, not liberation, has been unleashed.

So where are the parents in all this? Actually, that's what some of their fellow parents would like to know. One of their biggest complaints is about grown-ups who, because they're either blissfully ignorant or too caught up in their own lives, simply don't give enough supervision to their offspring.

Then more wisdom:

Allison, for example, has a rule: If Ethan is invited to another kid's house, she calls to make sure a parent will be around.

Allison strikes a blow for common sense.

Of equal concern are parents who seem to have ceded power to their children. You see this manifested in two ways, starting with adults who have the "They're gonna do it anyway" philosophy. They let kids drink beer in their basement, so at least they'll be able to make sure they're not driving. They're free with contraceptives, so at least no one will end up pregnant. The intention is fine -- "What we really want is for kids' decisions not to be life-altering," says Steve Piltch, head of the Shipley School in Bryn Mawr -- but the effect may not be. What signals are kids getting of what is and isn't okay to do? One of the hallmarks of this generation of parents -- and educators -- is that it tends to describe behavior as healthy or not healthy, appropriate or inappropriate, risky or not risky. Rarely is any action labeled simply, well, wrong.

"As a parent, the line you draw is often arbitrary and ridiculous, but you have to draw the line," says Bucks County psychologist Michael J. Bradley, author of the acclaimed parenting book Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! "It's like the speed limit. We know people are going to exceed it by 10 or 15 miles an hour, but that doesn't mean we don't have one."

Letting the inmates run the assylum is never a good idea.

Which brings us to John, another lawyer living on the Main Line, who has two sons. The oldest, a 17-year-old senior, is a bright kid (1300 on his SATs) who has driven his parents mad. He drinks, smokes pot, stole prescription pills, does whippits, and has had several drinking-related run-ins with the police. "He's very blatant about it," John says of his son's behavior. "He leaves the beer bottles all over his room."

To deal with the situation, John and his wife, who has a background in social work, have tried a variety of tactics, including a series of psychologists, and drugs for the son's diagnosed ADD. None of it seems to have made any difference. "When he goes to a counselor," John says, "he becomes a Boy Scout and insists this is the norm -- everybody in high school is doing this." John also notes that while he and his wife have struggled with the issue of letting their son suffer the legal consequences of being arrested, in the end they've gone out of their way to get him off.

Now, I am in no position to judge John's abilities as a parent; for all I know, he and his wife have prevented something even worse from happening with their son. But as we talked, I couldn't help thinking about the wrath I would have felt from my own parents had I left beer bottles in my bedroom as a 17-year-old. One parent of a teen told me that she and her husband have come up with a standing rule: If it's illegal, you can't do it. How novel! It strikes me that many parents of this generation, a generation so uncomfortable with authority, have struck a deal with their children: You act a little more like adults, we'll act a little more like kids, and we can all meet happily in the middle somewhere, free from the traditional generational tension. Only that doesn't always work so well.

"To see your kid in a jail cell, screaming and cursing like he's a common drunk … " John says when I ask what it was like the night his son was arrested. He gets quiet, searching for the right words. "Well, it's embarrassing, to say the least." I got a feeling it was a lot more than that.

No wonder John and his wife are raising their 12-year-old differently: "With him, we're trying to squelch it before it starts. Whenever he starts with any talking back or attitude, we tell him, 'We're not taking it from you.' In a way, it's unfair. We're coming down hard on a kid who's a good kid."

It will be worth it, though, if all that's piling up in his bedroom is laundry and Dr. Pepper cans.

I think I'll say a prayer for parents tonight.